I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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