i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
