I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize