the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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