my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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