He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
