the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
