everyone is single if you try hard enough
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
