dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize