Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
