i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
