Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Is it because I queefed?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
