I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We need to get me chipped asap
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
