if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
