I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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