i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
