I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
