You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
