he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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