you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
