If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
