Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
