literally had 100 drinks last night.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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