I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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