Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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