So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
