you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
