Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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