She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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