she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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