Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
