Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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