Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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