I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We are all done wearing pants today
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
