Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
