I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
