Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
