I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
