i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
