I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
