When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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