I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
