Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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