The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
