I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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