Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
