if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
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