I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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