Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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