so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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