You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
