Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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