Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
