Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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