a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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